Be Angry. But Don’t Make the Other Person the Target: How to Express Anger Without Hurting Your Relationship

It’s fine to be upset. Just don’t aim it.

Have you ever been on the receiving end of someone’s anger — the full force of it, pointed directly at you like an arrow?

You can feel the moment it hits you.

Your chest tightens. Your mind scrambles. You’re pinned.

Before you can even process what they’re upset about, you’re managing the impact of how they delivered it.

You’re not thinking about their pain anymore. You’re busy surviving their aim.

Now flip it.

Think about the last time you were the one firing.

Maybe you were hurt. Maybe you were exhausted. Maybe you’d been swallowing something for way too long, and it finally erupted. You didn’t simply express your frustration. You sent all of it directly—aimed it—at a person.

You made it about them. What they did. What they always do. What’s wrong with them.

Here’s what I’ve learned in my own life and in my work with clients: The trigger is yours.  The emotion is yours. The story you’re telling yourself about what they did and why? Also yours.

That doesn’t mean their behavior doesn’t matter. It doesn’t mean your pain isn’t valid.

“Your reaction belongs to you.”

The moment you fire your reaction at someone, you make it much harder for them to hear you. You may be starting a feud when all you really wanted was to be understood.

What Do You Do with a Strong Reaction If You Don’t Aim It?

Three things. You feel it. And own it. Then settle yourself enough to hear what your reaction is telling you. (Ideally, you heal it completely, but that’s a longer story for another time.)

Once you’re more settled, you can communicate without making someone else responsible for fixing what you felt. Here's how to express anger without hurting your relationship.

You’re allowed to be furious. You’re allowed to feel abandoned, dismissed, unseen, unimportant — all of it.

But there’s a difference between having a reaction and using it against someone else. 

Instead of “You always do this,” try “Something got activated in me just now, and I need to understand it before I talk about it.”

Instead of “You made me feel…” try “I’m noticing I feel… and I want to figure out what that’s all about. Can I get back to you?”

This is a small shift with massive impact.

When you stop aiming, the other person has a better chance of taking in what you say, so the two of you can work things out.

When you communicate responsibly, they don’t need to dodge arrows. The two of you can share back and forth if you’re being honest without being dangerous.

Here’s a truth I keep coming back to:

“You cannot be centered in yourself while aiming at someone else.”

And look, I’ve done this too. I’ve been “right” in ways that forced others to be defensive. I’ve delivered truth with a sharp edge when it would have been better to pause, settle myself, and speak from a relaxed and conscious place instead.

So the next time you feel a strong reaction rise — and sooner or later it will — try pausing long enough to ask: Is this something I need to contemplate before I communicate?

That pause is everything.

Most of all, it can start a valuable conversation inside you. Take a moment to let your reaction teach you about yourself before you turn toward another person.

Once you see your part, you can choose how to show up. You can choose words that close a door, or words that open one.

Let me know if I can help you. You’re welcome to a free First Conversation — twenty relaxed minutes, just the two of us, to talk about where you are and what might help.

Love,

Terri Crosby

In Care of Relationships